Monday, May 02, 2005

Beyond frustration

Today was a rotten day. Today I yelled at some of my students because they are such buttheads. They don't do their work, they disrupt the class, they continue to act like damn fools, and it doesn't matter if I write them up because the climate in this school is such that nothing gets done. At this school discipline problems get sent to the SAC room. The kids sit in a room all day long and either sleep or talk to their friends. They don't have to sit in their regular classes so what in the hell kind of punishment is that?

I am so tired of being so angry. I go home angry. I go to sleep angry. I wake up angry and the whole damn cycle starts over. My mental state is crumbling. My reserves of energy are depleted. I don't want to care so damn much anymore because I feel that I don't get any appreciation for it anyway. I want to run away from all this craziness, go to a beach somewhere, open up an island bar, serve tequila sunrises all day to tourists, and write by the beach susnset every night, to the sounds of the surf, late into the night, and wake up to the gritty feeling of sand between my toes, ready to open my bar and start again.

I can't keep this up. Living shouldn't be this hard. Where was the bend in the road that led me here? I want to go back to that road, at that moment in time, and try the road less traveled. What am I talking about? I did choose the road less traveled. It isn't the road, it's the people who have gotten in my way that are the problem. I see my road cleared of all this clutter but it is way off in the distance and I want to reach it, hurry up and reach it, but I keep getting caught.

I have to stay positive. The school year is almost out. I must keep at my writing. I must continue to immprove upon it because that is the only thing left to me that is truly mine. Everything else is only borrowed things that I am paying for on borrowed time. It will get better. I tell myself that it will get better.

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