What's on the mind of 15-year olds

My two 15-year old cousins, Anita and Fannie, have been staying with us for the last two days. As typical teenagers they are bored with just hanging out with the family. Even just three days away from their home turf and they are pacing the floors, pooching out their lips, and whining about the fact that there is no internet at either my parent's house or my house. Their biggest adventure so far was going to Katy Mills Mall yesterday afternoon. Imagine that. They would rather pace the mall then spend a quiet afternoon looking at surrealist art at The Menil Museum. To placate them I told them I would bring them here to the Cy-Fair College library so they could get their web messenger fix. As I let them sleep in until 10am this morning, which for them is an ungodly early hour to get up when they are on vacation, I pondered the fact of what concerns most 15-year olds these days. For them it's staying connected with their friends, boyfriends, their world of shopping, and when's the next meal. I thought back to when I was 15 and the things that most concerned me. Here they are:

My weight. Always was a full-figured girl. At 15 I was between a size 12 and 14.

My feelings for an unavailable man.

My feelings of being overshadowed by my slimmer, more popular best friend.

My concern over whether or not I would have a boyfriend.

Do I have enough friends?

Am I pretty and do other people think so?

Now (yikes I am dating myself here. @#$%&* it) 23 years later, sitting at my kitchen table feeding my coffee addiction I thought about the things that most concern me. Here they are:

My weight. New Year's resolution once again is to lose it. I'm still a size 14.

My feelings for two unavailable men.

Sometimes feeling overshadowed by my slimmer girl-friends when we all go out.

Wondering if in 2007 I will finally get a boyfriend.

Wondering if I have enough friends to keep me occupied.

Am I still pretty?

Oh, and one more, will I finally get a teaching job and get out of the poverty rut? (Back when I was 15 I was still being supported by mom and dad. Hmm...actually they still provide a great deal of support...mainly in the terms of groceries.)

Wow. I haven't changed much. Perhaps that is why I can't move forward. Because I am still stuck in a time loop of having the same basic feelings of insecurity. It's hard to let go of old habits, old patterns of thinking, and old feelings. That's why people make New Year's Resolutions. The old year is finally over and behind us. It's time to bring in the new. It's time for me to clean up my house and my mind. I know now what I have to do.

Plans Change

The Austin trip this week got scratched. Needless to say I will not be seeing my ex-boyfriend, spending any time with him, nor do I plan to in the future. There is a reason why he's an ex and I think it's best he stays an ex. I got lonely, I got weak, I got sentimental. Whatever. I need to stay strong if I am to achieve the goals I set out for myself in 2007. That includes also easing out of my life the other two that have plagued my mind for the last two years. Can I love them from afar and leave them as memories in the pages of my journals? I think I can. I know I can.

I have to make some major changes right now if I hope to accomplish my plans. In the mean time this week is not a total loss because I still have six more days of vacation, my relatives are coming in from Monterrey, and I get to babysit teenagers. Perhaps their youth will rub off on me and I can get my second wind which I will definitely need when the clock rolls over into
2007.

2007. It's a magic number. Everything will change in 2007.

Much needed sleep

After surviving another school semester I came home yesterday afternoon and fell asleep around 5:30pm and didn't wake up until 7:30am this morning. I haven't slept that many hours in a long time. My body finally just said "Enough. You're taking some time out." I slept like the dead. And dreamed of crazy things. But it's been such an emotional roller-coaster for me these last few months. I still haven't found a teaching job. I still haven't settled down with that right special someone. Yet things could be worse so I am glad for what I have.

I am going to be spending a few days next week in Austin. I will be spending some time with an ex-boyfriend who after three years still carries the torch. I need those few days of utter bliss. I don't want to think about my financial problems, my lack of success at finding a teaching job, or the fact I opened my mouth and let the words out that should have remained sealed. I would rather just enjoy spending time with a good person whom I care about, enjoy a little holiday cheer with my family, and son, and start 2007 with a clean slate. I have many projects on my plate and I need to completely get naked and wind down before I wind up to the fever pitch I get myself in when things are speeding down a rail like a runaway train.

I am going to get super-busy very quickly in 2007 and so need a few days to zone out. Hopefully I will have access to the internet and can update from Austin next week. Until then Merry Winter Solstice Christmas Kwanza Hanukkah Ramadan.

I said it and it can't be taken back

My lover was at my house this afternoon and I told him that I loved him. After seven years the words finally left my mouth. It was much simpler in the beginning when love wasn't thrown into the mix. It was just lust and the non-stop revolving party door. Now in the last two years things got way too intense. I fell in love with him but I've made it clear that he's not the one for me. He knows that too. In fact when I told him I loved him he just asked "Why?" And I said "Because I can. Because I want to. And I hope this doesn't change things between us." I really do hope he doesn't get all weird about it. Like stops calling me and stops seeing me just because I love him. I just really needed to get it off my chest. And I whispered in his ear that deep down inside I knew he loved me too but that it was just fine with me to continue on as we've been.

I told him I could compartementalize my feelings. I can love him and I can love another. In fact I do love someone else. And that someone else knows who he is too. But I didn't say that to him this afternoon. That would be too cruel. "Yes I love you but you're not the only one." And I realize how naked and vulnerable I am making myself here. But the fact is life is too damn short and precious to be quibbling over the finer points of who you love. I choose to love two men at the same time. I choose to see one of them when I can and enjoy a few hours with him sex or no sex. And I choose to write to the other one when I can and I've accepted that he's left and won't return and I can love him anyway. And I can meet someone else, just the right one, who is free to love me, and can give me what I want and what I need and love him too.

Does it seem like too much? Why? I live such a multi-layered life anyway. Not one person has any clue just who I am. I keep so many secrets from all of my friends that each one holds just one piece to the enormous puzzle of me. Not even my family has the complete picture. It is going to take someone extraordinary to truly accept every part of me and want to be with me anyway. But the one who does can rest assured that I will love him fiercely, devotedly, and completely. And as for my other feelings they can go to that place in my heart where I've left all my other relics. So what I am I to do? Be a celibate nun until I meet Mr. Right? Hell no. A woman has needs too or is that realm still only a man's peragotive?

Truly I must have been burned at the stake in some prevous life because I feel like I am on fire all the time. And lately that feeling has intensified. My mind is constantly racing and I can't keep it still. Trying to focus and concentrate lately has become difficult. Obsessive thoughts plague me. I need some peace and quiet. I want to go live deep in the earth like in a cave for a few days and just shut out all the noise I hear constantly in my head.

I can't believe 2006 is almost gone. What did I accomplish this year? That will be a blog for the last day of the year. My very own year in review. Until then. Ciao!

Alcohol and the writer

the other night I poured myself a hefty glass of red wine and began my second job at night which pays me nothing monetarily but lifts me higher than the snowy peaks of the Andes. Yet after the first few delicious swigs of that matching liquid color of my painted nails I realized that I spent hours writing pages and pages of utter swill. I mean there were a few gems here and there dispersed in my otherwise loopy, alcohol-soaked brain ramblings, but otherwise naw, not too good. It makes me wonder how some of my favorite writers, who were well known raging alcoholics, managed to come up with the brilliance they wrote. Poe, Faulkner, Thomas, and Fitzgerald to name just a few were famous for their literary output and notorious for their alcoholic input. Perhaps I am trying to keep up but the actual writing process is going to have to get done without the glass of wine at my fingertips unless I purposely want to get blind drunk and then write whatever craziness comes into my head.

2007 is around the corner and I know that is going to be my year. It's all going to turn around for me then. I just know it. Soon I will even know how to upload photos on this nutty blog and then images will stream forth as well as words.

Ciao!

Oh Holiday Time is Here Again

And I am in serious need of some cash if my son and I are going to have any kind of gifts under the tree this year. I've been thinking of different ways to earn some extra cash. Here's a list of the things I could do:

1. Stand on the street corner with a sign that says "Will write haikus for a dollar. Makes a great gift for the aspiring poet in your life."

2. Hire myself out as a singing telegram.

3. Sell my memoirs.

HMM....yeah....okay. I need to re-think this whole thing.