Saturday, December 16, 2006

I said it and it can't be taken back

My lover was at my house this afternoon and I told him that I loved him. After seven years the words finally left my mouth. It was much simpler in the beginning when love wasn't thrown into the mix. It was just lust and the non-stop revolving party door. Now in the last two years things got way too intense. I fell in love with him but I've made it clear that he's not the one for me. He knows that too. In fact when I told him I loved him he just asked "Why?" And I said "Because I can. Because I want to. And I hope this doesn't change things between us." I really do hope he doesn't get all weird about it. Like stops calling me and stops seeing me just because I love him. I just really needed to get it off my chest. And I whispered in his ear that deep down inside I knew he loved me too but that it was just fine with me to continue on as we've been.

I told him I could compartementalize my feelings. I can love him and I can love another. In fact I do love someone else. And that someone else knows who he is too. But I didn't say that to him this afternoon. That would be too cruel. "Yes I love you but you're not the only one." And I realize how naked and vulnerable I am making myself here. But the fact is life is too damn short and precious to be quibbling over the finer points of who you love. I choose to love two men at the same time. I choose to see one of them when I can and enjoy a few hours with him sex or no sex. And I choose to write to the other one when I can and I've accepted that he's left and won't return and I can love him anyway. And I can meet someone else, just the right one, who is free to love me, and can give me what I want and what I need and love him too.

Does it seem like too much? Why? I live such a multi-layered life anyway. Not one person has any clue just who I am. I keep so many secrets from all of my friends that each one holds just one piece to the enormous puzzle of me. Not even my family has the complete picture. It is going to take someone extraordinary to truly accept every part of me and want to be with me anyway. But the one who does can rest assured that I will love him fiercely, devotedly, and completely. And as for my other feelings they can go to that place in my heart where I've left all my other relics. So what I am I to do? Be a celibate nun until I meet Mr. Right? Hell no. A woman has needs too or is that realm still only a man's peragotive?

Truly I must have been burned at the stake in some prevous life because I feel like I am on fire all the time. And lately that feeling has intensified. My mind is constantly racing and I can't keep it still. Trying to focus and concentrate lately has become difficult. Obsessive thoughts plague me. I need some peace and quiet. I want to go live deep in the earth like in a cave for a few days and just shut out all the noise I hear constantly in my head.

I can't believe 2006 is almost gone. What did I accomplish this year? That will be a blog for the last day of the year. My very own year in review. Until then. Ciao!

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