Imaginary Lives/Week 4

I sent an e-mail to Michael W. and in it I told him in no uncertain words how I feel about him. So then I guess this weeks imaginary life is a life with him. In it we are married. We are raising his two daughters and my son together as one big family and we have more children of our own. We have a nice big place to live in, we're both working in education so we have our summers off to travel, experience things, and we love each other very much. We're totally devoted to each other and we support each other in every way. We're helping each other heal from our broken marriages and we are facing a future together in which we grow, we evolve, we move up the ladder until we are one again with the divine light. There is so much more I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt I had already revealed too much. I am afraid he won't respond. I am even more afraid that he will and that he will deny everything and "let me down easy" as in "Gee, I am flattered but I already have a wife who loves me..." Oh yes. Guess what? I loved my ex, too. So much that I hurt him at every turn and he hurt me and all we did was weave a toxic web of hurt, betrayal, making-up, making love, and having our good days and then the vicious cycle would begin all over again.

Being with my ex this past weekend (we went fishing with our son) made me realize and face the root of the reason why our relationship didn't work out. We don't trust each other. We never did. I was always waiting for him to betray me. And he did. And in turn I betrayed him. Over and over we did this. Now in this imaginary life I have with Michael there is complete trust although that feels to me like I am walking over the chasm of the Grand Canyon on a tightrope without a net. It was much safer when I felt nothing for anyone, I could pick and choose my lovers, and discard them when I was finished with them. This whole past year being around Michael opened me up like a lotus flower floating on a lily pad out in the middle of a still lake. I am open now, more beautiful and powerful than ever, but still alone because I don't know how to swim ashore. And I so desperately want to come ashore. I want the reality-tale; I want to be married, I want to be in a loving, committed relationship, I want to raise my son within the constructs of a family unit, I want to sleep every night pressed up close to my husband, and wake up to his scratchy face rubbing mine raw. I want our children to grow up and I want to watch them become strong individuals. I want to make a difference in the world and have someone by my side who can support me in all my endeavors and I in turn will do the same for him. Without all the jealousies, the screaming, the arguing, the utter crap that pulls society down and is turning our world into a psychic, negative, toxic, waste dump. I want my soul to soar and sing and I want to do it with my soulmate by my side. I wish with all my heart that it was with Michael W. That is what I want!

Imaginary Lives/Week 3

This week I have decided to pursue the man of my dreams. In order to do this I must travel to the enchanted oasis that can be found in the high deserts of the west and look for him at the golden pyramid. I first laid eyes on him 14 years ago and recently saw him again. He has not changed one bit. He still wears an all black suit and is painted blue. That's right. I want to be the wife of a Blue Man.

Obviously there will be some kinks to iron out. I mean when you're the wife of a Blue Man you have to put up with certain things. Such as him not talking with words but spraying day-glo colors out of his mouth when he wants to communicate. I'll have to get used to paint, gobs of marshmellow, and crushed Captain Crunch all over the floors of the house. Not to mention put up with bedsheets permanently stained blue. Oh, yes and the pantry must always be stocked with Twinkies, vanilla pudding, and gumballs. Not much of a diet, I admit. And the furniture will be all PVC pipe...hmmm...not very fashionable either, but the payoff is being married to a delicious blend of performance art and high tech music. I can do this.

"Honey, what to do you want for dinner tonight?"
Blue Man: orange streak of paint sprays across the table.
"Gumballs gain? Why can't we go out for dinner?"
Blue Man: red streak of paint splattered on the couch.
"What do you mean you don't like people staring at you? You are a Blue Man. It's part of the package."
Blue Man: yellow streaks down his cheeks.
"But, darling, don't you love your job?"
Blue Man: yellow streams of pudding exploding from his chest.
"What will you do then?"
Blue Man: marshmellows dribble out of his mouth.
"Ice-cream vendor? after all these years of performing? And you want to be an ice-cream vendor? Are you mad? What will people think of you then? Washed out Blue Man! That's what. No, this is just a slump you're going through. You'll get over it. So, about dinner?"
Blue Man: Gets up, spins a small canvas, streaks of red, orange, and yellow form perfect circles with just a bit of spatter patterns.
"That's my big Blue Man. I love you darling. Kiss me."
Blue Man and Wife: blue greasy paint smeared all over both faces.

Paradise.