Sunday, September 18, 2005

Imaginary Lives/Week 4

I sent an e-mail to Michael W. and in it I told him in no uncertain words how I feel about him. So then I guess this weeks imaginary life is a life with him. In it we are married. We are raising his two daughters and my son together as one big family and we have more children of our own. We have a nice big place to live in, we're both working in education so we have our summers off to travel, experience things, and we love each other very much. We're totally devoted to each other and we support each other in every way. We're helping each other heal from our broken marriages and we are facing a future together in which we grow, we evolve, we move up the ladder until we are one again with the divine light. There is so much more I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt I had already revealed too much. I am afraid he won't respond. I am even more afraid that he will and that he will deny everything and "let me down easy" as in "Gee, I am flattered but I already have a wife who loves me..." Oh yes. Guess what? I loved my ex, too. So much that I hurt him at every turn and he hurt me and all we did was weave a toxic web of hurt, betrayal, making-up, making love, and having our good days and then the vicious cycle would begin all over again.

Being with my ex this past weekend (we went fishing with our son) made me realize and face the root of the reason why our relationship didn't work out. We don't trust each other. We never did. I was always waiting for him to betray me. And he did. And in turn I betrayed him. Over and over we did this. Now in this imaginary life I have with Michael there is complete trust although that feels to me like I am walking over the chasm of the Grand Canyon on a tightrope without a net. It was much safer when I felt nothing for anyone, I could pick and choose my lovers, and discard them when I was finished with them. This whole past year being around Michael opened me up like a lotus flower floating on a lily pad out in the middle of a still lake. I am open now, more beautiful and powerful than ever, but still alone because I don't know how to swim ashore. And I so desperately want to come ashore. I want the reality-tale; I want to be married, I want to be in a loving, committed relationship, I want to raise my son within the constructs of a family unit, I want to sleep every night pressed up close to my husband, and wake up to his scratchy face rubbing mine raw. I want our children to grow up and I want to watch them become strong individuals. I want to make a difference in the world and have someone by my side who can support me in all my endeavors and I in turn will do the same for him. Without all the jealousies, the screaming, the arguing, the utter crap that pulls society down and is turning our world into a psychic, negative, toxic, waste dump. I want my soul to soar and sing and I want to do it with my soulmate by my side. I wish with all my heart that it was with Michael W. That is what I want!

No comments: