Saturday, October 22, 2005

Imaginary Lives/Week 5

Okay, so I've been a little lax in keeping up with my blog. Things have been happening in my life that make me question whether or not I've pissed off the universe so badly that I am paying for it in spades. I'm crying blood tears at the utter frustrations life has thrown at me. I have a job that pays me less than a grand a month. My ex, even though he should be paying me more in child support, won't pay it until I submit all the proper paperwork through the courts to make it legal. On the one hand I can understand it, but on the other I am struggling, he knows I'm struggling, and he won't volunteer the extra money to help me out. I basically have to get into a ring with him and duke it out. We scream and insult each other and then calm down. He'll usually give me some token thing, like an art book, or a DVD, or a music CD to placate me. And I am just to tired too keep fighting with him. Anyways, somehow I am managing to get my bills paid. I tell you though poverty sucks. But at least I still have my house, my car, the clothes on my back, and my son and I are eating. It could be alot worse. I simply have to do without certain things. Like cable, a cell phone, new clothes, new shoes, going out, eating out... People take things for granted. I don't belive that I do. All these things are happening to me for a reason. And I am not cursing the universe for any of it. Or God for that matter. However, I have been seen lately in my backyard striking the goddess pose under a full moon and simply asking why?

Michael W. finally called me after nearly two months of not hearing from him. We talked of the ordinary things happening in our lives. And afterwards I felt that so much more could have been said but we are holding our tongues because what good would it do to admit our feelings for each other when his situation has not changed? Although, he did say he missed Texas and all of his friends and family and that he has had a very rough time in Florida. He also said he might come back. And he might do this or that and what of it? What about us? Is there an us?

Since last year when we began riding together and we got ever so much closer I underwent a complete reversal of what I once was. I no longer wanted empty, casual relationships based on sex. I no longer wanted my heart to remain cold and barren. I no longer was interested in simply going out and hooking up for one night with some stranger. In fact I was pretty much celibate until Michael Angel came along. And even though I have been with him twice in the last six months since he reappeared in my life I don't want him either. In fact he has been calling me pretty steadily in the last two weeks and I've turned him down three times simply because I am not interested in making the effort to see him. I am done with him. So I have had sex exactly twice in the last year and three months. And though I am burning for it I am not giving it up. I am saving myself for Michael W. Perhaps it will never happen but if it does I want to be ready for him. Oh, god I hope he doesn't still come around and read my blog. I'm posting out for all the world to see but I don't think anyone is even reading it. Which is fine with me. My blog is my personal page to the world that says here I am but you don't know who I am.

I know what I want now. And it may very well be that Michael W. and I never formalize our relationship or consumate our feelings for each other. I think I can live with that. I know deep in my heart, however, that he was the influence and guide I needed to turn my life around. For that I thank him and I will always love him. Perhaps that was the only reason why he came to Texas from so far away and why once the mission was complete he went on his life's path again. But the tiny flame of hope still burns within me. As long as that spark exists then I will keep the possibility open that he is the one.

What does all this have to do with an imaginary life? Hmmm... Okay, I want to be a Desperate Housewife. I want to be hot, sexy, melt my man's heart with my wild ways in bed and act out every fantasy with him. My husband. My partner. My soulmate. My Michael W. I am desperate to get even one kiss from him. I think about it. I dream about it. I hear his voice in my dreams. And I know I could really focus my energy and thoughts and cast a spell to get him here. But I don't. In fact just thinking about it could have reprecussions. But I can't help myself. I am truly smitten. Damn. Love hurts. It's such a bitch. But totally worth it. Come, Michael W. Jump into the volcano with me. We will undoubtedly burn. But if we don't we gain the world.

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