Sunday, October 23, 2005

I can publish what came before

I was reading over Imaginary Lives/Week 5 and actually it's not that bad. I realized this morning that I am doing it again. Hiding behind my web of words because of fear. I won't live in fear anymore. I am being honest with my feelings. Michael W. has two choices. He can either reciprocate my feelings or reject them. If he reciprocates then I will be estatic. If he rejects them then I will be hurt but not destroyed. It won't kill me. I'll move on and chock all of this up to another grand experince for me to write about. I guess I simply want validation that all of the things we shared last year were not one-sided. His phone call to me two weeks ago and his brief response to my e-mail are proof that it wasn't. He never once mentioned his wife to me. Someone else would have said different things to let me understand how impossible this situation is. And he did and he did not. I know, it's confusing. But that is the nature of the beast of love. Capricious, erratic, turbulent, and highly charged.

Perhaps I am setting myself up for a huge disappointment. Ah, well, then the things that aren't worth fighting for aren't worth it period. Are they? But Michael W. is worth it. He is worthy of me. What do I do? Call him again? Pester him? No, I tell myself, he has to come to me of his own free will. So, I sit back and wait and wait patiently. But I will not wait forever. I have the patience of a saint but not all the time in the world. I will move on.

In other news the Astros lost last night but the game is not over until the fat umpire sings. My very best wishes go out to them to play an excellent game so they can win the World Series.

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