Friday, May 13, 2005

Too many sleepless nights

I can't sleep. I wake up all through the night. I scream sometimes. I shake, my heart beats like it's trying to break out of my chest, I cry. This can't go on.

My mind plays tricks on me. I know it does. It confuses friendship with other things. Like my feelings for him. This can not be. I can not be the destroyer of a mind unlike my own. I can not desire things that can never be. I must conserve the good, the honest, the pure, and true, and not seek to destroy like I always do simply to remake in my own image. I may be an aspect of the divine but I am not SHE. I am very confused by all of this. I fear my own dark nature sometimes. Perhaps that is what is keeping me up at night. I try very hard each day to stay in the light. But sometimes a very black thing rises up inside of me and tries to pull me back down into the tumultuous broiling heat of my own dark passions.

No he can never understand this. And he can never forgive this in me. And he will judge me. Always, that feeling of being judged. Always these feelings for the wrong person.

Friendship is better. I am free. He is not. That is the way it has to be.

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