Tuesday, May 24, 2005

A loss of faith

I have lost my faith in people. I find that most people will not do the right thing or stand up for others. I have lost my faith in my career as a teacher and in the public educational system. I have lost my faith in love because every night I go home and I feel my heart breaking, splintering into tiny fragments, like shards of glass, and they catch and tear at my vulnerable insides.

I have not lost my faith in God or in spirituality but it is being shaken to the core. I still believe that this crisis will pass, but I have been telling myself this over and over again for years. When will it pass? When will I stop waking up in terror every night? When will I learn to fuse all my fragments together so that I can be whole?

How do I get my faith back? How do I get my confidence back when at every turn the universe seems to be against me? I am equally blessed and cursed. I am thankful for everything I have. I realize that it all comes from God. But I am floundering in a world that rejects my values and is determined to lay me low. It is easier to just fade away, become a shadow, lose myself in the multitudes, and never so much as squeak or make a peep. Sometimes I wish I could just shake this rotten world tree because people need to be bothered, truly bothered with everything they fear. Including me. What I fear more than anything is losing myself and losing my faith completely. When that happens I will die.

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