Monday, November 20, 2006

What to do next?

It's my week off for Thanksgiving vacation but here I am in my dad's quiet office posting on my blog. I am rather bored at the moment since the work is slow going. And I find that I have the whole wide web at my disposal and don't know what to do with it. Hence here I am. I haven't been keeping up with my blog since at times I find that I have nothing to say. Or rather I do have lots to say but it's all the same thing and I get bored of even hearing myself think it. Basically, nothing has changed for me in the last month. I am still without a teaching job. I am still without money to even go and enjoy a drink at the local watering hole. I spend my weekends alone in my room listening to my weird, broody-moody music, and watching the candle flames dance on the ceiling. There is only so much I can take of my friends and family. What I need is a serious relationship yet the prospects are nil. So you see what can I do?

I go into my imagination a lot. I dream a lot of how things will be once I get back on my feet. I suppose you don't have to have money to have a good time, but...well...yeah actually you do have to have money to have a good time. For over a year I have spent nearly every weekend alone. I can't go anywhere. I am stuck within the walls of my house that I can barely afford and slowly I feel that I am going insane. The last time I had some dude over to spend the night was back in June. Before that it was December and November of 2005. And before that the last weekend I spent with someone was back in 2003. And before that the last truly wild weekend I spent with someone out in the woods on a cold November weekend was in 2002 or was it 2001? You see it's been so long I don't even remember.

So I feel like I have been lying dormant for all this time just waiting to explode on the scene. And what happens when volcanos lie dormant for so long and then explode? Why they spew molten lava and destroy everything in their way. And that is how I feel. That all of this rage and frustration is building up and when it finally comes out everything will be burned away.

Lately all I dream about is in red. Hot water flowing over red rocks. My dead grandfather wearing a red shirt and telling me there is something hidden behind the stove in his house. Red streets, red beds, and me wearing red. All I see is red. Dream symbology suggests it's about sex, power, and passion. All I know is that all work and no play is making me very very angry. And the one brave enough to jump into this volcano will be the one I stay with for life.

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