Cold

It's colder inside my house than it is outside. And I have no-one to keep me warm. Today my dad and I only worked a half-day. That is good but also bad. Good because I don't have to stay cooped up in a tiny office but bad because now I am cooped up inside my house. I could clean it up; there's laundry to do, tubs and toilets to scrub, carpets to vacuum, a garage that is waist deep in stuff I haven't opened in about five years, and month's worth of junk mail to sort and toss. I could do all of those things but I will not. Instead I ma here on my blog, with my diary opened in front of me and I am typing and writing at the same time. I am also looking up movie times because I want to get the hell out of my house and go do something with my friends. I never realized it all of the years of my life until just this moment how much I hate just hanging around my house. I don't like being at home. I like being out. The home is a place to eat, sleep, and shower. If people entertain then I would prefer to be at their houses not mine. I have been cooped up in this house for a good two years, struggling, and not haveing enough money to go play around with and I am sick of it. I need an adventure. I need to be out dancing, socializing, at cocktail parties, at book events, writing conferences, visiting drowned cities in Mexico, anywhere but here. My home is a prison. I feel trapped. And I am starting to suffocate.

I could call my elusive lover. It's the perfect time for it. My son is with his dad I have the afternoon free...but I won't call him. He is slipping away like an eel through the slush of a river bottom. He's finding other diversions and it's pissing me off. Not out of jealousy over another woman but because he always refused to stay the night with me. And now I am afraid that what he didn't give to me he will give to that other woman. That is what I can't stand. So I will not call him and I hope he suffers when he realizes what he has given up. I hope he cries tears of blood. I will not call him but he will be calling me. He usually does after a few days.

I want to walk in a submerged plaza. I want to pray in the skeleton church beneath the waters. I want to disappear for a few days into a town that comes and goes with the rains. What I want is to be free of all of my financial problems so I can go and do exactly what I want.