Saturday, November 12, 2005

Thoughts swirling like in a Cy Twombly painting

I am more confused now than ever. What is happening to me? My man Dave has not called me in four days. What is up with that? He comes over last Sunday, takes me and my son out to dinner, he really likes him, we talk, we make out, he asks me to be his exclusive girlfriend, I accept, and now I have not heard from him in four days. Tuesday was the last day I really spoke to him. He told me he might go out of town for business on Wednesday and to call him. If I got his voice-mail then more then likely he was out of town. But hell even if he is out of town he can't call me at least for five mintues even once in four %^&*#$ days? What the hell is the matter with men? They say it's women that are the emotionally charged, indecisive, don't-know-what-they-want, types, but I say men are more so.

What am I to do? I've called him twice, left him a couple of messages, texted him as well, and this is what I get? No freaking response in four days? I know we're not teenagers anymore nor do we need to spend hours on the phone talking to each other every day. But I would appreciate a damn phone call at least once or twice in four days. SHIT! Why does this keep happening to me? I never have any problem meeting men. My problem is keeping them. As soon as they begin to see and know what I am all about they flee. They think they are not as good as me, as creative, as talented, as intelligent, or whatever. They get intimidated. I am sorry but I can not be some demure, sweet-looking, smiling pretty, and non-talketive type of woman. I am out there. I wear rings on nearly every finger, bracelets on my wrists, five ear-rings in each ear, I like art, music, film, theater, opera, literature, and I am extremely well-read. And to boot, I'm a wild party girl who likes to knock back the tequila shots, boogie all night on a platform to techno, and have fun. Those girls on Sex in the City have got nothing on me. There is no way I can down-play any of that no matter how hard I try. And I shouldn't have to. I am who I am. I love being me. And I am not going to let some asshole try to dictate what I should be. If he can't handle me then it's his loss. I am pissed off. I really wanted a relationship with Dave to work out. I thought he could help me forget the two Michaels. Perhaps I wanted the relationship too much to cover up what truly is in my heart. But even so I would have put my entire being into it.

Oh it's not fair, it's not fair
That an artist should create a chair
In which I can not sit
But to which I want to submit

Oh it's not fair, it's not fair
That he can't run his fingers through my hair
To which I say "Life is for the living,
Do it anyway and never stop giving,

Into your desires
Burn up like the fires
In these forests of my mind
Dark and light open and wide


Lance Carter said...

If he hasn't called you in 4 days I can safely say he has found something more important to him than you. I call my Mom about every 4 days and Im 40. :)
Blogs are an awesome place to vent and I wanted to let you know that someone was listening.
Have fun! Every minute you pass you loose it forever.
Take Care.

Tybalt said...

I'm a man alledgedly.

I despair of men in general.

The majority are insecure numb nuts who need eye candy, conquests or to have their partner to have less education than them in order to feel good about themselves.

I love opinionated women, not fanatical but opinionated. Women who believe that the be all and end all in life comes in being a good little barbie doll housewife I have no interest in.

I myself am an artist and writer and I am married. My wife has a better job than me I do not feel it undervalues me. I mostly look after by beautiful daughter and will likewise do with my son on his arrival soon. This does not impinge on my masculinity.

I do all the cooking and a fair portion of the cleaning this does not make me a cissy but I believe makes me part of a team.

I do not freak when she decides she would like a night out with her friends and she does not when I decide to.

I am not afraid to cry because it will make me look weak or express my feelings because it would make me vulnerable.

Not all of us are hollow men!

Keep hoping.