Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Sweet relief

I have an outlet for my stress however it hasn't been fulfilled recently so you could say that I am long overdue. And when I finally let it all out the earth will indeed move beneath our feet.

I wonder sometimes about him with the blue eyes that turn so dark when he is angry. He is a great person but could he really make me happy? I turn it over and over in my mind and I think, yes, he could. We could make it work. But then I have to be honest with myself and admit that I don't know if what I am feeling is really love. I care for him very much. I admire him for his incredible idealism to want to make the world a better place especially for students. We share the same ideals, we share the same passions, we share many things. But......there is always a but. I am afraid that life would eventually be too dull with him. He already thinks I am a wild child. If we give in to the wild side I will walk away from it unscathed. He won't. I could eventually live with myself if I hurt him or his family, but he never would get over it. The guilt would tear him apart. I am much more guilt-free. Is that wicked of me?

No, it is better that we remain friends. For all our sakes. Besides he's not available to love me. And he never will be. I must find my own true love who can love me back the way I deserve to be loved. He's a good man. But would he fight for me? Would he be willing to bring down the stars, the moon, and the sun for me? Would he give it all up for me? No. And so he is not the one.

The heart can not be ruled. Love can not be forced. Either you feel it or you don't. I want to feel those butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I want my heart to beat like a furious drum within an enchanted circle. I want to stretch out, naked upon the sand, under a cloudy moonlit night with the sea pulling at my hair and my arms and legs wrapped around my true love. I want to make love in the crashing surf, in the glare of headlights, with the wind and sand rubbing our bodies raw. Damn the consequences. My love, right now, is wrapped up tight. Waiting to be unleashed upon an unsupecting world. Watch out for me then.

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