Saturday, January 06, 2007

Never a dull moment at Sherlock's Pub

I was out last night at the Westheimer/Beltway 8 Sherlock's Pub with a group of friends; Maria, David, Elva, Minnie, and Lisa. We're having some drinks, trying to make ourselves heard over the band playing Chili Peppers covers, and talking about possible camping trip plans for Memorial Day weekend. David, Maria's boyfriend, leaves us for a moment to go look for his misplaced cell phone. Elva is turned away talking to her sister and the other women. Maria and I are by ourselves, leaning against a bar, when two guys make a beeline straight for her. They start in with the usual pick-up lines "Hi. Where are you from? What's your name? What are you up to tonight?" Maria responds to each question with the requisite answers "My name's Maria. I'm from Venezuela. And I'm here with friends and waiting for my boyfriend." I stand there and wait to see if either of these fine specimens of neanderthal-ism will even attempt to speak to me. Very quickly I see that they have no intention of initiating any type of contact. When Maria said she was waiting for her boyfriend David as if on cue came back to join us and stepped in between Mr. Blond (totally forgot his name) and Mr. Eric(that name stuck since it's the name of one of my ex's). Mr. Blond and Mr. Eric turn to walk away and Mr. Blond says to Mr. Eric "Well, that was a total failure." Unable to contain myself any longer I turn to these two un-gentlemen and instigate what amounts to an interrogation. Here is the exact conversation:

Me: "Excuse me guys. I'm just curious. I'm standing right there next to my friend yet why did you two only talk to her and not to me?"

Mr. Eric: "Oh, I just happen to like Venezuelan women."

Me: "You didn't know she was Venezuelan until she told you."

Mr. Eric: "Well, I like Latin women."

Me: "And you don't think I'm a Latin woman?"

Mr. Eric: "Oh, I know you're a Latin woman. But see you were standing behind this other guy and we didn't see you. We saw your friend from behind and she had this long hair which I also happen to like."

Me: "Ah, ha..." I looked at them intently while I twirled the curled ends of my long red hair now past my shoulders. "Okay you guys. I really just wanted to know. Go have a good night." And I released them from my searing, penetrating gaze to let them go join the rest of their like-minded swinish brethren.

I was utterly offended. Not because I am jealous of Maria. I have never been jealous of Maria. I do plenty well on my own, idiots like the above notwithstanding. I was offended because those two were just bald-faced rude. Listen up men of the world who might happen to be reading this. Take a lesson from Manners and Etiquette While Out in Bars Looking for Women. If you and your friends are out someplace do try, no matter how hard it might be, to act like gentlemen. That means if you see two or more women standing around and you do decide to approach them then introduce yourselves to Everyone. Do not stand there and simply talk to one woman and completely ignore the other one. Yes, men will always be attracted to one more than the other but to stand there, pointedly talk to one woman and completely ignore the other one is absolutely the rudest thing men can possibly do. Well they can do other rude and stupid things too but let's stick to the point here. Why didn't the two goons just admit it? They zeroed in on Maria because the only difference between her and I is about 70 pounds. I admit to having a slight weight problem that I am taking care of but if some jerk is only going to be concerned about that then he's not for me anyway. The weight can always come off but stupidity, ignorance, and shallowness goes down deeper and there is no cure for that.

Far from letting that ruin my night I was down on the dance floor, dancing, drinking my Bloody Marys and Shiner, and talking to Elva. About an hour later from the incident with Mr. Blond and Mr. Eric, this dark skinned Latino guy comes over to me. He tells me his name, tells me he's from Bogota, Colombia then asks me my name, and asks me where I live. After every sentence and question is the word "baby" and Mr. Colombia also happened to have happy hands that kept trying to grab my ass and pull me closer to him. So I go from the extreme of having two guys ignore me to one guy who can't keep his hands off of me. Again, refer to the manual on Manners and Etiquette While Out in Bars Looking for Women. We don't like to be pawed over as if we were pieces of meat either. Oh, duh, I forgot I was in a meat market. Mr. Colombia obviously seeing he wasn't about to get lucky with the "gordita" said "I'll be right back, baby." He went off in search of his friends and I knew damn well he wasn't coming back. I was not about to wait around for him either. My friends and I finished our drinks and each headed off into the grainy foggy night to go home.

It proves my theory correct. Men trolling bars looking for women only want barbie doll sized women. The size 14/16 women like me are only last resort when it's last call in every bar in America. That's all fine and good guys. You want a barbie doll a barbie doll is exactly what you are going to get. And everyone knows barbie dolls are made out of cheap plastic with stiff moving joints and hollow heads.

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