Saturday, October 14, 2006

Things were pretty hairy there for a moment

I was four months behind on my house payments. But I have been saved. Let's not delve into the hows. Let's focus on the positive. Living hand to mouth each day for over a year has taught me so many valuable life lessons that I don't know where to begin to list them. Let's start at the beginning then:

Humility: What is it exactly? Learning to be humble. For a while there I certainly was arrogant. I was knocked off my high horse but have gotten back on. I ride the horse now always looking down on where I step lest I stamp the toes of the people who will help me out tomorrow.

Discipline: Not something I have always had. Especially where my money was concerned. When I had it, I was flying high, not even aware of how badly I was managing it until it was all gone. I live below the national poverty line now, me a degreed professional, and I realize that you should never think you are secure in your finances because tomorrow it could all be gone and what will you have to show for it? I can honestly say that I have no idea where all my money went. But from now on I can tell you exaclty how much I have. Which to some people would make them drop dead from a heart attack in an instant. For me it's just putting up with nightmares.

Love: I know who I love. I know who I want. But it is not for me. So to quote a very old cliche, when you love that person, then let him go. If he comes back then he is yours. If he doesn't then he never was. I can love now which is something I had not been able to do for a long time. My heart was cold. I can love, I can lose him, and I can live with it. I can accept it and move on. I can be happy that I at least had two years with him which is better than not having had any years at all. And I can say that I grew out of that and realized what it is I was missing and what it is that I want.

Action: That was the hardest thing of all. When you are down to the wire, when your feet are bleeding from trying to balance on that razor's edge, and you think it would be better to just fall off, you suddenly get a kick in the rear end and just keep going and take care of all your crap. I always just let things happen to me rather than face them or waited around to see if opportunity would come knocking. The truth is opportunity doesn't come knocking if it doesn't know the address. So to hell with being timid. Time to be bold. Time to be a pest. Time to get off my ass and go get the things I want.

I think tonight I can sleep without the pills. I think the nightmares will abate for a little while. I am not going to lose my house.

P.S. I know I should get a roommate to help me out or a part-time job in the evenings for a little while until my financial situation improves. But I am still stubborn about that. I don't want to give up my precious time or sacred writing space even if it means a few extra dollars a month to help me through the bad times until I find a teaching job. This is also where my unshakable faith has always seen me through the darkest nights. I KNOW I will get through this on my own. The person I let into my house and into my life will be here to stay.

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