Tuesday, August 02, 2005

A slow summer heat

My summer is coming to an end and I face an uncertain future. I was forced to resign from my job at the high school where I worked because I have not passed a test that says I can be a teacher. Amazing. The states are in an uproar over education. Budgets are cut every year and school districts everywhere are crying out that there is a shortage of teachers. Gee, could it be because Dubbya's No Child Left Behind is a monster that has finally ripped off its mask to reveal its true horrid face? Could it be that teachers these days shy away from the classroom because all they do is teach to a test and the teacher certification standards are now based on passing these horrendous tests? Because teachers don't go into this career for the money. 15 points on one test is preventing me from having a job in the state of Texas. 15 points separates me from a classroom filled with kids that need me. 15 points is making my life a living hell. It has left me jobless. Damn it all to hell.

On another note my writing is taking off. Oh I had my moments when I came back from my trip where I literally did not leave my house, or eat, or do anything other than stare at computer screen playing mindless games instead of writing. But now I am energized because that means I am this much closer to acheiving my dream. It is a really wonderful dream. One in which......Ah now wait I can't give it away just yet.

Let's see in other news my son Max turned 9 on July 15th. Wow, he is getting so big. Alas, his birthday always falls in the summer month when he spends it with his father out in West Columbia. During the summer months I see Max every two weeks. I usually have to schlep myself up to West Columbia and I end up spending one or two nights there. At first it was awkward. But this is reality. The reality is Max's father, Scott, and I divorced four years ago. Every summer Max spends it with him, but Scott, never being one with much in the way of trying to keep a decent place to live, takes Max to his mom's house in West Columbia where Max stays for two months. Scott lives there too on and off throughout the year and during the summer. Since it is an hour and a half's drive each way from Katy I spend the night. I either sleep on the couch or in an extra bed in Max's room. This is the house where Scott grew up. Where he spent his entire childhood, his school years, and where as an adult, with me and Max a year after he was born, we lived with his parents. And now I am the ex-wife coming down to visit her son. Scott and I and Max do things together as a family for Max's sake. But I am always struck and awed at the incredible distance between Scott and me. If it wasn't for Max, Scott and I would have nothing to talk about or any reason to see each other.

It's as if we were each on a tiny island with nothing but vast amounts of sea and space between us. We never speak of the past, we never speak of our present, and we never speak of our plans for our futures or for Max's. Sometimes it still fills me with sadness that we spent 11 years together but when we are together now it's as if it never happened. The only proof that we have that there was ever a bond between us is Max. And Max makes it all worth it. He is the only really good thing to have come out of my marriage to Scott. I don't ask Scott about his life or who he's seeing or what he's up to. He never asks me either. I don't care anymore what happens to him. But I do care that he doesn't take care of himself or do enough to try and make a more stable home for when Max is with him. When we are together I sometimes treat him as I have treated my lovers in the past. Cold, distant, and trying to just get through the day. We say really mean things to each which we disguise under sarcastic jibes one to the other which Max doesn't pick up on. But one day he will. Max is not a fool. He will figure out one day that his parents have a barely tolerable relationship now.

My divorce, even now four years later, still has deep reprecussions. I don't hate Scott, but I am still filled with such anger and bitterness at how things were between us and the way they ended. These feelings are there simmering beneath this glossy surface and I have to admit that I still have issues with my marriage and that is why I have been in such a deprived, emotionally sterile place these last four years. But I am through trying to cover up a bad marriage and trying to excuse some of Scott's behavior. I am sure to his circle of friends I am the queen Bitch of all bad relationships. But fuck it all. He fucked me up and that is the truth. I am sure I did my share to him. But now I really want things to be better with my relationships and I want to do things the right way. I want to fall in love again and marry again and have more children. I want that very much.

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