Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I should hate him

But I don't. Instead I feel nothing for Scott anymore. After all this time things finally start to fall into place. The asshole lied and cheated on me always. He was never there for me. He used me. He kept me working at a job I detested because I earned more money than he did but prevented me from going any further because that would mean I had to work nights. For the record I will state it here. I supported him. I worked my ass off our whole relationship while he did his art. I put his ass through the master's program. And I actually believed him when he said he wasn't fucking his models, our friends at the time, Tiffany, Heather, and Annette. Now he is finally earning the recognition he deserves. Great for him. He is a talented artist. But a manipulating, coniving, lying, hypocritical bastard one at that. It was all jealousy on his part. Oh, Scott is a sly one. But one day the truth will all come out. Oh I will be dragged through the mud too. I did have my flings with Heather and Annette too. But which came first the chicken or the egg? In this case it was the big fat chicken whose name is Scott. Damn but it feels good to finally get some of this crap off my chest. I will stop feeling so bad that I did crazy things in the past. I will stop beating myself up for my marriage going all to hell. I will stop feeling sorry for that asshole who really doesn't deserve it. I will stop trying to always be the one who bows my head. For this one time only I will not take the high road and try to be the gracious one. Fuck that.

Hmmmm........I need to to start fulfilling the role of the bitchy ex-wife.

Let's see......a hypothetical conversation between me and my ex-husband.

L: Do you still love me?
S: What? Excuse me?
L:It's a simple question. Yes or no?
S: Do you still love me?
L:No. I used to. So much. Crazy, obsessively, and beyond imagination in love with you I was once. But not any more. One day I woke up and found that I couldn't even stand to be in the same bed with you. Your very touch made my flesh crawl.
S:I don't love you either. You hurt me. You left me. You took my son away from me. In fact I hate you.
L:Hate implies that you once felt very strongly for me and it proves that you still do. Feel very strongly for me. Only now it's hate. But I feel nothing for you. Not even hate. There is a hole in me where you used to be. It's scarring over now. But the hole beneath is still there. Funny thing about holes. They don't always have to be filled up. Take the Grand Canyon. It's a majestic, beautiful, national landmark. For it shows the unbelievable forces of nature in all its glorious and furious passion. Forcing water through its cracks, like tears falling from the eyes of mother earth, to gouge out another mark, to show how immense love can be. And what happens when it turns to destruction. Love is awesome. But fearsome too. It takes you to such grand heights. But when it crashes it crashes like stones hitting the earth and then all that's left are the holes. I'm happyu now with my hole. Mother earth is still alive. And so am I.
S:You make no sense. That is so stupid.
L:For you of no faith and no love yes. For me it means that love is still within me. But no longer for you. Never for you again.

My faith is keeping me alive and strong despite all the crap I am going through. Jesus did say to forgive your enemies. To turn the other cheek. Oh, that is a hard lesson. I don't think I have forgiven Scott. But I must learn to. If for no other reason than I can't carry this toxicity in me any longer. Hmmmm...........must learn to forgive..............

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