Last night I felt it. That spark, that kindling flame, that love indeed will come back to me. That I am very capable of feeling it. I just have not found the right person yet to give my love to. But he is out there. Waiting for me. Probably asking himself when his love will be returned. My hope was reborn through the friendship I have developed with another man who has become very dear to me. I have imagined a life with him but I recognize that he is not free to love me. Yesterday afternoon when we spent considrable time talking of his troubled marriage that tiny hope was lit like a flame. But the flame that burns twice as bright dies twice as quickly. Then this morning that flame was put out. And yet I feel very relaxed. Very confident. I may not be the one for him. I may only be here to offer him the moral support he needs. I can love him for a tiny bit. It's something. Not all that I want, but in the grander scheme of things, this tiny bit will open the door to more.
And who's to say that this love won't blossom into something greater on down the line? I honestly don't think I can wait for him to decide to leave his wife, start his life over, and hook up with me. That is such a long process but life takes many turns. All I do know for sure is that I don't want to see him die. I would rather see him shackled to that horrid marriage than see him dead.
What I am trying to say is that my faith in love is slowly returning. I never expected it to be in this form but it is returning. And perhaps that is why God put him in my path. To help me see that all is not hopeless. That faith and love will win out. I love you M.W. Just a tiny bit. That's all I can manage. I will not come between you and your wife. I will not wrench you away from your family. I will not give you any more of me other than my friendship. And this little tiny bit of love that you have sparked. And for that I thank you. I don't want you to know about it however. So hopefully you won't read this. But if I didn't write it down I would forget.
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