My mind is made up.

Yesterday I talked to my latest internet option. We were supposed to meet last night for our "first" date. But as fate would have it my parents took off to the casino and I had no-one to watch my son. So I called S and told him the situation. He was out and about at his job. At first he wanted me to come meet him right then and there but when I told him that I didn't have anyone to leave my son with he at first thought I was trying to get out of meeting him.

He said "Remember what I told you. Three strikes and you're out. This is strike one. You'll have to make it up to me."
"Oh." I said. "Uh, okay, I'll think of something."
Then he laughed and said "I am joking. You have to learn when I am joking. Come on you said in your profile that you had a sense of humor."

The fact is I don't know him, we haven't met, so no I don't know when he is joking. And yes my profile said I had a sense of humor but I certainly don't like someone telling me to have one right then and there. He talked my ear off for another hour about stuff like he has a gift of knowing what people think and he said "I know what you were thinking last night before you went to sleep. That this guy is either a really good bullshitter or too good to be true. And that you don't want to hurt me." I was quiet and I told him that yes that is what I was thinking. Actually what I was thinking was why he kept telling me things I just wasn't interested in and never once did he ask about me, what I did, what plans I had for my life, etc...So maybe part of what he said was true but you don't need some "Holy Ghost" talking to you to tell you that. He's got an Associate's Degree in marketing and sales. He drives a delivery truck all over the freaking city and the four cardinal suburbs delivering products to his clients. Of course he knows people and how to read their emotions and body language. He wouldn't be a very good salesman if he couldn't do that.

Finally I called him out on that point about why he hadn't asked me anything about me. His reply was "I know you have been through a lot. I don't need to ask you anything about you. When I meet you and look into your eyes then I will know if you are real. You sound like a good person with a big heart but when I look into people's eyes then I know if they are real or not." What kind of shit is that? Now in the world of dating we have to wait and look into each other's eyes before we determine if they're real or not? Well perhaps because of the nature of his job he needs to look into people's eyes. But my intuition and the nature of what I do relies on listening and talking in an equal fashion. And for three days all I've heard is this guy talk about himself and not once ask me anything about me. That does not sit well with me.

He finally told me to pray and to truly ask God to help me decide if I felt comfortable in meeting him. Which I did do last night. And quite frankly my gut and my heart tells me I will never be happy with someone with less education than me and that works in the trades instead of the professional fields. Perhaps that is shallow of me but I don't think so. I have no doubt S makes good money and can support me financially. But I don't care if he won the lottery tomorrow and made gazillions of dollars. Money is good but it doesn't keep me mentally stimulated. And I would prefer to make my own money and spend it however I want. I want to meet my mental, spiritual, and passionate equal. I did meet him in fact. But he was already taken and that is something I've had to accept. It sucks to high heaven but I have been dealing with it for over a year. With that person I would have been ecstatic. But it was not meant to be. So all I can do is keep my options open, pray that I meet someone similar to him, and keep up my faith that everything will turn out all right.

I took my profile off the internet. I will never use an on-line dating service again. I will never spend money on speed dating again. Instead I will use what resources I have in terms of going out and meeting people the old fashioned way. I am real. And I am ready to meet that person of my passionate dreams. But I will not compromise nor will I lower my standards even if that means I will continue to be alone for another six years. I hope and pray that that doesn't happen. That I will be with someone sooner than that. But I would rather be alone than with someone I can not love and can not give me what I want or need.

Which is better?

To have someone smarter than you or someone who is smart but not quite at your level? Usually I find that I am the one way out of someone's league. Invariably I always seem to attract the ones who are not quite at my intelllectual and sophisticated level yet the ones up there I would like to meet continue to elude me. Now I am faced with a dilemma. Well it's not really a dilemma. More of a conundrum. I've met someone on-line and we've been talking on the phone for the last two days for up to two hours each time. He seems nice enough but starts rambling about friends of his I've never met and telling me all about their relationship woes. And I am too polite to say "I really don't give a rat's ass about your friends and their problems. I don't know them so why are you boring me with all their issues?" He's also told me all about his very messed up two previous marrigaes. Okay, very well, I've had one broken marriage myself so that I can listen to. But the clincher is he's already jumped light-years ahead with "If we hit off...if we click...if we start a relationship...if we get married..." and we haven't even had a first date yet. And then he even went so far as to tell me certain intimate things about himself that quite frankly I don't need to know right away. We haven't even met face to face. I feel like he just wants all the cards on the table, dealt face up, so he knows what he's getting into. It's because he's been screwed over in the past and doesn't want to leave anything to chance. On the one hand I can understand that. But, on the other there is no mystery to this person. I am sure he's a great guy but by exposing himself too much too soon it is a turn off to my adventurous heart that seeks a little more excitement. He would be safe and dependable. I suppose at my age I need to stop being so picky. But he may discover that truly I am too intelligent and cultured for him and he may drop me. And I am used to that. So used to it in fact that I wouldn't even bat an eyelash and instead just thank God for saving me from another mistake. But I know one thing for sure. If this latetest internet date goes awry then I am taking my profile off the on-line dating circuit forever. And I will never use it again. I will have to look elsewhere for my soulmate. Cyber-mates are a shot in the dark.

Cold

It's colder inside my house than it is outside. And I have no-one to keep me warm. Today my dad and I only worked a half-day. That is good but also bad. Good because I don't have to stay cooped up in a tiny office but bad because now I am cooped up inside my house. I could clean it up; there's laundry to do, tubs and toilets to scrub, carpets to vacuum, a garage that is waist deep in stuff I haven't opened in about five years, and month's worth of junk mail to sort and toss. I could do all of those things but I will not. Instead I ma here on my blog, with my diary opened in front of me and I am typing and writing at the same time. I am also looking up movie times because I want to get the hell out of my house and go do something with my friends. I never realized it all of the years of my life until just this moment how much I hate just hanging around my house. I don't like being at home. I like being out. The home is a place to eat, sleep, and shower. If people entertain then I would prefer to be at their houses not mine. I have been cooped up in this house for a good two years, struggling, and not haveing enough money to go play around with and I am sick of it. I need an adventure. I need to be out dancing, socializing, at cocktail parties, at book events, writing conferences, visiting drowned cities in Mexico, anywhere but here. My home is a prison. I feel trapped. And I am starting to suffocate.

I could call my elusive lover. It's the perfect time for it. My son is with his dad I have the afternoon free...but I won't call him. He is slipping away like an eel through the slush of a river bottom. He's finding other diversions and it's pissing me off. Not out of jealousy over another woman but because he always refused to stay the night with me. And now I am afraid that what he didn't give to me he will give to that other woman. That is what I can't stand. So I will not call him and I hope he suffers when he realizes what he has given up. I hope he cries tears of blood. I will not call him but he will be calling me. He usually does after a few days.

I want to walk in a submerged plaza. I want to pray in the skeleton church beneath the waters. I want to disappear for a few days into a town that comes and goes with the rains. What I want is to be free of all of my financial problems so I can go and do exactly what I want.

It's all a state of mind

Staying angry isn't going to do me any good. Angry on the inside is giving me wrinkles and gray hair on the outside. I have to formulate game plan to get over this horrid rut I am in. I'm not having sex so instead I dream about it at night. It's not as good as the real thing but it will do for now. Since I am not into casual relationships anymore then it could be a while before I am in bed with someone again. Therefore, I will concentrate all my energies on improving myself where I most need it.

Body
Face
Mind
Soul

But think of how much better I will be when that one true, brave, adventurous spirit comes and finds me. Anyways, I will still have my funks. And I swear I am like the waves too building, cresting, and crashing and building all over again. It's tiring. It must be true that ignorance is bliss. But I prefer the mood swings. It keeps things interesting.

What to do next?

It's my week off for Thanksgiving vacation but here I am in my dad's quiet office posting on my blog. I am rather bored at the moment since the work is slow going. And I find that I have the whole wide web at my disposal and don't know what to do with it. Hence here I am. I haven't been keeping up with my blog since at times I find that I have nothing to say. Or rather I do have lots to say but it's all the same thing and I get bored of even hearing myself think it. Basically, nothing has changed for me in the last month. I am still without a teaching job. I am still without money to even go and enjoy a drink at the local watering hole. I spend my weekends alone in my room listening to my weird, broody-moody music, and watching the candle flames dance on the ceiling. There is only so much I can take of my friends and family. What I need is a serious relationship yet the prospects are nil. So you see what can I do?

I go into my imagination a lot. I dream a lot of how things will be once I get back on my feet. I suppose you don't have to have money to have a good time, but...well...yeah actually you do have to have money to have a good time. For over a year I have spent nearly every weekend alone. I can't go anywhere. I am stuck within the walls of my house that I can barely afford and slowly I feel that I am going insane. The last time I had some dude over to spend the night was back in June. Before that it was December and November of 2005. And before that the last weekend I spent with someone was back in 2003. And before that the last truly wild weekend I spent with someone out in the woods on a cold November weekend was in 2002 or was it 2001? You see it's been so long I don't even remember.

So I feel like I have been lying dormant for all this time just waiting to explode on the scene. And what happens when volcanos lie dormant for so long and then explode? Why they spew molten lava and destroy everything in their way. And that is how I feel. That all of this rage and frustration is building up and when it finally comes out everything will be burned away.

Lately all I dream about is in red. Hot water flowing over red rocks. My dead grandfather wearing a red shirt and telling me there is something hidden behind the stove in his house. Red streets, red beds, and me wearing red. All I see is red. Dream symbology suggests it's about sex, power, and passion. All I know is that all work and no play is making me very very angry. And the one brave enough to jump into this volcano will be the one I stay with for life.